Finding Common Ground in Your Finances: When Couples See Money Differently

Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict between couples and can sometimes contribute to breakups. Even in strong marriages, it is rare for both spouses to have the same attitude toward saving and spending. Often, one spouse takes the lead in financial decisions while the other simply follows.

In my experience, we all have deeply rooted attitudes toward money, shaped by our upbringing, whether we grew up poor or comfortably, and what were our early experiences around money. Being a saver or a spender doesn't necessarily make us right or wrong. What matters is understanding these differences and learning to work around them. Sometimes, when working with couples who have very different attitudes toward money, I ask them a series of questions to identify whether they are savers, spenders, or somewhere in between. Seeing how differently they answer the same questions can help them understand each other better and opens up meaningful conversations.

One thing I've observed in my practice is that, for some couples, the only time they have meaningful conversations about money is when they're sitting in front of me. Between work, raising children, and managing everyday responsibilities, the only time financial conversations happen is when there is an urgent need. Making time for these conversations can go a long way in strengthening a marriage.

There is a saying in our industry that we spend money on what we value. But what happens when spouses value different things? I once worked with a couple where the husband prioritized spending on their lifestyle, while the wife valued experiences. As a stay-at-home mom, she had less of a say in financial decisions and felt that whenever she wanted to spend on something important to her, the answer was that they didn't have enough money. The issue wasn't that one was a saver and the other a spender; they simply valued different things. By identifying their individual priorities and creating a savings plan for what was important to both, they felt heard and appreciated. Maintaining financial harmony is not about convincing one spouse to save more or the other to spend less. Sometimes, it is simply about making sure that both spouses have a voice in deciding how money is spent.